IF YOU ONLY KNEW (a memoir in caregiving)

Please roam a bit with me and take a look inside my book IF YOU ONLY KNEW:

If You Only Knew Book Cover

When I Held Your Hand and Said I Love You  

(excerpt from IF YOU ONLY KNEW)

“That night in late July, the twenty first near 7 PM I held your hand and told you I loved you.  It felt so final but in that moment I felt you could finally hear me.  Your soul was free now, perhaps just hovering over your body, but I felt that once you were free from this living earth, you finally would hear me.  I have endeavored, my entire life, to love you with all of my heart and I hope that you knew that.  I am sure now you do but I also hope that you knew it somewhat while we were together.  I will never forget the sparkle in your eye and the gentle smile on your face when I would be shuffling around in the kitchen with a certain scent in the air, you would come to visit and ask me what I was doing.  And I would look at you and try to figure out whether you were just kidding me or whether you truly couldn’t smell the cookies baking in the oven.

“the kitchen; my favorite place and yours too”

I would say, “you’ll see!”  And then get busy checking on those “loving home kitchen cookies!”  You might wander around a bit while I was doing my kitchen thing and then go back to your blue chair and wait.  And then they were done.  The scent filled the kitchen and carried into the living room where you sat, legs crossed, waiting.  The lamps were lit (almost always) and it gave the room a warm and inviting feeling and you waiting for me looked inviting too.  I came in with a plate filled with warm, gooey, homemade cookies, just for your delight.  I always was amazed by the child-like smile you had when you took the plate and gazed at the cookies there.

So I say again Mom, I love you and I miss you very much.  And as much as I want you back here on earth I would never want you to suffer in that state ever again.

I know we all have certain skills we come with and when living and loving we are, at times, limited to how well we can offer these skills.  We spend our lives testing and offering what we can; as our best; and no matter how we attempt to do our best; to love to our fullest, sometimes we fail.  It is what makes us human; we are not perfect.  But I want you; my Mommy, my Mom, my Marie,  to know, that I have wanted nothing more, in my life, than to love you and be loved by you.  Now it is done.  I love you and you love me.

And lastly, I have never, ever regretted the on-taking of caring for you the last 5 years of your life.  I am honored to have at least tried my best.  I will see you soon my Mommy; and Daddy too.  ”



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